Tolstoy’s view on grief: How Nayla makes peace with letting go

Tolstoy once said, “Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow.” That by choosing to love someone however deeply, we are just as much signing up for the pain of losing them. Though Tolstoy continued by saying, “this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” Making love, once again, the answer to all problems.

No offense to Tolstoy, but unfortunately real life is not particularly that easy.

Grief, among other things, has always been such a constant part of life. So much so, that just like love, it seems to be a universal language on its own. But as much as the grief itself is universal, unfortunately each person’s journey through it is always uniquely their own. So no matter how frequent it occurs, it's never any easier for anyone.

Though coincidentally, Nayla Adrianne, a second-year university student in Depok, Indonesia, sees some truth in what Tolstoy mentioned. After losing her dad, she realises that though it doesn’t solve everything, there is indeed power in loving.

(This interview has been edited and condensed)

Nayla said, “More than anything, I felt like I needed someone. Just to hear my rambles or just simply be there.”

(Source: Pexels/Liza Summer)

Can you walk me through what happened when you first found out your father is gone?

It was in September 2019. Before his death, my dad actually had some problems with his nervous system. So to be completely honest, to me, it was no longer the matter of if, it was the matter of when will his body finally give up. But I guess what people say is true, no amount of warning could have ever prepared me for what was about to happen.

I was on a different island when it happened, so there were a lot of things I needed to take care of. More than anything I think I was overwhelmed. It felt like my mind ran on a crisis mode, that I can’t even comprehend being sad.

To you personally, what does your grief look like?

I don’t exactly know how to put it into words, but remembering how it was back then, it’s as if my body was shivering from the cold. And I think more than sadness or pain, it felt more like fear. If I should put it into words I guess it would be like, “where do I go from here?”

But recently I found out about the five stages of grief and I think if I should summarise the whole journey I have with grief, then it would be a continuous repetition of these five stages, even until today.

How did you finally make peace with the fact that he is gone?

When I start to look around me I realise that there are so many things waiting for me in the present. My studies, the organisations that I’m in, my friends and families. I realise that my life is still going on full speed, despite his time being over. That life truly doesn’t wait for anyone, so it’s either I move on or just drown in this hole of sadness that I make for myself.

And though it might sound cliche, at one point, I realised that my dad would not want to see me waste away my life just because he’s gone. As much as the whole situation was painful and full of uncertainties, one thing I know for sure is that I love him and he loves me, and he would want the best for me, as he did when he was still here.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if this realisation just magically fixed everything, because it didn’t. It takes a lot of compromising with myself and dealing with complicated feelings that sometimes don't belong to me. But, at one point I just realised that the best thing we can do to love someone that is already gone is to live however long we have left on this earth to the best we can, to trust that our happiness would also mean theirs.

How do you feel now when you remember your father, compared to how it was back then?

To be honest I still stalk his social media accounts even until today. But I think the biggest difference is that now I can appreciate more of the memories that we have. Back then, every time I saw his profile I would feel blanketed by regret and guilt. That, maybe if I had done something different, he would still be here. But now, it’s more like I keep realising things that I didn’t before. How much he loves me, how funny he is, and how much I miss his dad jokes. I would say that instead of remorse, nowadays it felt more like a longing.

Do you think there will ever come a day when you won’t miss him?

I think there will be a day where I can be more at peace with the fact that he is gone, a day where I can handle the pain of him not being here a little better. I believe now, more than ever, that people can live with pain. But in terms of missing him, I don’t think there would ever be a day where I won’t.