Zooming with your boo - Keeping the spark alive in quarantine

Leen Ahmed

The pandemic has not been easy for anyone. Even with over a year and then some under our belts, the lack of human connection has become a prevalent cause of loneliness for too many of us.

And for those young adults who are in relationships but don’t live with their partner, connection seems to be at the fingertips. But has the digital experience been enough for it to be a satisfactory source of happiness? Or has the love dwindled away with the non-figurative miles between the couple?

According to Christine Gabriel, Marriage and Family Therapist and part-time lecturer at Taylor’s University, one of the key factors that negatively impact a relationship due to the pandemic can be the lack of proper communication.

“You may talk on the phone or video call but it still can be affected,” she says when touching on how there may be barriers to being able to truly understand one’s partner with the inability to meet up.

The second factor that Christine mentions is a topic not often discussed as it is still viewed as shameful in society. She says, “Connection in terms of physical intimacy, can be hindered when the couple is apart from each other. It’s taboo and we don’t talk about it although it’s a big part of any relationship.”

On a more positive note, she explains how this space forced by the pandemic can also be helpful for those in a relationship. “You are invited to deal with who you are as an individual which is a very important process for us to go through,” she elaborates.

“And whenever there is an argument over the phone, not living together gives you the space to calm down which living together may not offer the option of.” She went on to emphasize the necessity of valuing time-outs when dealing with conflict.

Edit: Khadija Horton

Source: Cosmopolitan

Which brings us to one of the biggest concerns couples have when tackling differences of opinions- conflict resolution tips. The first and most important thing you can do according to Christine is to “not assume you know what your partner is saying.”

“Listening is one thing. How you listen also matters. The context in which your partner is sharing with you may be very different. How they make sense of their world, the meanings that they are carrying in their world could mean something else to you.”

“So clarify. Curiosity, clarification and how you listen is so important. It gets to a point where your partner is not hearing you or is defensive.” She interpreted defensiveness as a very strong sign of you not being heard or your partner not being heard.

She also reiterated the value of time-outs, “How can you get back to the conversation with the intention of working it out? Instead of going back to the conversation from where it was left off with the same kind of attitude.”

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Understanding each other can be integral in order to sustain the relationship. But what else can you do to keep the fire burning?

Wendy Gould at Verywell Mind explains a few things you can do in order to make your partner feel appreciated. Planning full-blown date nights with cooking dinner over zoom and sharing a meal with them, using Netflix party or similar options to watch a movie together or do something refreshing and new like taking a virtual museum tour.

Christine reminds us to pay attention to our partners and how they are feeling. Checking up on your loved one is something key to do and not exclusive to the pandemic situation.

While the idea of the honeymoon phase coming to an end, it is clear that there is beauty lying on the other side of it.

“It is going to be a life-long process to get to know your partner but the honeymoon phase- it's important to remember that you are seeing one or a few layers of your partner and that doesn’t holistically represent them,” says Christine while commenting on the nature of the beginning of a relationship.

So trying to keep the spark alive, might just allow you to see the layers of your partner that truly denote how wonderfully complex they are.